@Å

Grief: Survival Growth

Grief is universal. It is how we respond to the loss of someone or something significant in our lives. When we become separated from a loved one, our grief responses will depend on our personalities, the circumstances at the time, our past experiences with grief, and, to some extent, how others around us react to our grief.

This booklet is based on information gathered from bereaved people, pastors, psychologists and grief specialists. The aim is twofold: first, to help the bereaved cope with their grief, and second, to give friends of the bereaved insight into the grieving process so they can better understand the thoughts, feelings and actions of the bereaved.

To the Bereaved: The quotations in the article are those of people who have expressed the depths of their pain and discovered that it lessened as they worked through their feelings. These people have begun once again to seek life's challenges and joys. In time, you can too. As one bereaved person said, "If I could have accepted where I was emotionally - the fact that every feeling I had, every emotion I had was okay (no matter how many people were telling me it wasn't) - I might not have been quite so concerned about my sanity."

To Friends of the Bereaved: Grief is rarely a solitary experience. The comfort and understanding of close friends play an important part in the grief process. There are times when just being there is the best help you can provide. Listen. Let the bereaved experience their own feelings. Let them express their own thoughts. Then ACCEPT those expressions.

Grief

When you are the survivor; when no one can hurt for you; when you feel shock, disbelief, then a whole array of sometimes conflicting emotions, accept these feelings. They are normal.

Every person grieves differently. There is no prescribed way to grieve. Yet many people who have lost loved ones experience similar emotions.

Shock

Nothing seems real. Thoughts are going in and out of my head 90 miles an hour. There is no reality!

Panic. Confusion. Disorganization. Numbness. Coming and going in and out of the pain of reality. These may describe the first few minutes, hours, or even days for some who grieve. During this time the direction and support of friends is extremely important. To be alone when you need it is also important.

Numbness is relief, but its relief is temporary. Beyond the numbness, there is a deeper sense of grief to face before healing can begin. Grieving is a healing process. The process takes time and work. Though some scars of grief will remain in time the wound will heal.

Fear

I'm afraid of life without my daughter, afraid of the future without her companionship.

If ear telling my mother about my sister's death. How will she react? Will I lose her, too?

Fear of loneliness. Of not surviving if you let go of your loved one. Of losing others close to you. Of losing your sanity. Of the unknown. These are fears you can overcome in time. Your once orderly world is now disordered. Lean on your faith in God. Allow that faith, with the love of family and friends, to slowly but surely bring back confidence.

Without faith in God, comfort will be harder to find. Even the best of friends cannot comfort like one's faith in God can. But friends can help. They can be channels of God's comfort.

Anger

I never thought about losing all the people that I loved I'm angry at life, life that is so uncertain, angry at someone my sister's age falling over dead, angry at being forced into the reality of how short life is.

I'm angry at God. Where was He when our daughter needed Him? Why didn't He watch over her?

Angry at God? Angry at your loved one for leaving you? Angry at yourself and others for surviving? If you feel angry, admit it. Anger is a normal grief response which needs release. Anger held inside will surface one way or another. If you do not face up to it, anger can be very destructive.

The first step toward finding release is confession. "I admit it. I'm angry!" Confession does not involve saying it is wrong to be angry. You are just recognizing the emotion so you can deal with it.

The second step is possession. "No one made me get angry. The anger is my response, and I am responsible for it."

The third step is to process your anger by rationally talking or writing about it. At times, the emotion may be too strong to deal with calmly. If you feel too angry to think, engage in vigorous physical exercise to vent the pressure until you are calm enough to work through your anger.

After you are calm, think about it. What or who is the object of your anger? Until you identify your angry feelings, you cannot forgive God, yourself or others. You will not feel real peace until you forgive. So you must be honest about feelings. Jesus died so you could be forgiven. Accept His forgiveness. And then, when you are ready, forgive others as Jesus forgave you.

Guilt

I should have been more careful. Maybe if I'd washed off the lettuce. my husband wouldn't have gotten stomach cancer, but then even if I'd scrubbed it, he could still have died.

If only I hadn't taught my daughter to be a pacifist. If she'd had better selfprotection skills, might she have put up resistance and not been stabbed ? Yet if I had a second chance, I'd probably teach her no differently.

Death following a long illness may bring release. You may feel guilt for this relief. Or, even though you miss the person, you may feel unburdened, knowing your loved one is free of pain. There are other situations which may cause you to feel guilt - concern that you failed to resolve something with the deceased, that you could have prevented death.

Accept the past as past. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. In time you can believe you did what you could for your loved one. If the weight of guilt is too much to wade through alone, get help. Pastors or professional counselors can help you sort through guilt feelings. If you feel your wrong is toward God, ask His forgiveness. And then ACCEPT His forgiveness.

Depression

People have begun to stop asking questions about how I am, how I feel. They seem to assume that life is hack to normal. But I'm not back to normal. I'm depressed . . . sleepless nights, seeing my daughter's favorite food in the grocery store and helplessly crying, tears always ready just beneath the surface. Anniversary dates are particularly difficult.

Blue, tired, listless, helpless and hopeless days may be frequent after most of the shock, ceremonial activities and visits are over. Above all, BE HONEST. If you do not feel happy and recovered from grief, do not pretend for others. Be yourself. By the same token, do not feel bound to grief on those days when you feel a little lighter. Again, be yourself. However, if you feel down day after day for weeks or months, you are letting depression take over. You need to begin rebuilding. Make yourself take a positive step - involvement in some activity - one step at a time toward reorganizing and living. You can step out by reaching out to a friend or relative who will help you get involved at your own pace.

The first steps may trigger painful memories, but this process can be good for releasing pent up emotions. If you are unknowingly harboring anger or guilt, you may be prolonging the depression. Releasing these emotions could save you from much heartache later.

Depression can lead to physical symptoms such as insomnia, poor appetite, fatigue, headaches or decline in sexual interest. These symptoms are common to the bereaved and will pass as the depression eases. Medication for depression may help cushion the hurting, but be sure you follow your doctor's advice on dosage. Medication cannot remove pain. It cannot grieve for you. If you have become dependent on drugs or alcohol, get help from a doctor or through such groups as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

Communication

I need to let it come out. I am emotionally healthy, so I wish people wouldn't turn away when I start talking about my deceased husband I won't freak out or start foaming at the mouth. I would just like to cry and be angry and share my guilt with a friend there to support me.

Whatever your feelings are, they are worth expressing. It does not matter whether they make sense to others. Expressing is what matters. Holding your feelings inside does not remove them. One woman felt both anger and love for her deceased husband: "I love him but WHY did he die when he knew we had a family to rear?" By identifying and expressing her anger as well as her love, this woman was taking steps to resolve her anger and restore inner peace. If she had suppressed her angry feelings, thinking they were wrong, she might have found herself loaded with deepseated guilt and depression.

Express your feelings. The sooner you do, the better you will be able to identify them and their causes. Then you can accept your feelings and resolve any conflicts you may uncover.

You may have to make the first move, unfair as it seems, to find good listeners from among your friends. Those who grieve with you cannot offer much comfort because they too need comfort and good listeners. Your friends may not offer a sympathetic ear, either because they may not know you need it or because they feel awkward. You can help a friend help you. Ask for an open ear when you periodically need to express your feelings. Your friend can best offer comfort by knowing about your pain.

Talking is not the only appropriate means of expression. During the first months of grief, people have kept daily journals of their feelings, failures and successes. Not only did they find relief in opening up, but they also found encouragement as time passed, by reading the journal and noting progress. Some writers have even published their journals for the purpose of assuring others that it is possible to face grief, survive it, and come out alive, learning, growing. Other means of expression are poetry, art and letters.

Recovering

I've noticed that I'm beginning to do the things that I had stopped doing I'm starting to have some energy again, to want to involve myself: Maybe it's time to set goals again - to finish that college degree.

Part of the pain of grief is realizing you can get up and walk again, that you can rebuild. This realization means you are healing. Healing is the slow process of turning the pain into positives. Healing is letting the hurt make you a better person than you were - stronger, more compassionate, less complacent or . . . (you fill in the blanks).

Recovering is when you have more good days than bad, when the funeral is not your strongest and closest memory, when you have recent memories more important to you, when you are doing more for yourself and depending less, when you are getting involved in more activities, when you can talk about your loved one's life rather than death and remember with happy feelings.

There will still be days, especially anniversaries and birthdays, when grief may overwhelm you. You can prepare for them by arranging to be with close friends or relatives. The warmth of friends can cushion the pain of memoryfilled times. With these friends, it is okay to remember, to laugh or cry, because you are loved.

Some Final Suggestions

Accept grief. Even after time has passed, bad days are normal. When they come, allow for time to be alone to reflect. Accept your pain and roll with the tides of grief. You will heal.

Care for your body. These times are stressful to your body. You need adequate rest, exercise (so you can think and sleep better) and a balanced diet. You may use vitamin supplements to assure adequate nourishment when the appetite is low, but do not let them replace nutritious eating.

Join a group. You may be able to find a local group of bereaved people who meet on a regular basis. Look to your church or Bible study groups for fellowship. Look in the Yellow Pages for "Clubs" or "Associations" that can bring you to people who share your hobbies or interests. Take a class. Learn a sport. Become a volunteer. Get involved, but do not overdo.

Set goals. Make positive changes in yourself. One woman set a goal to "become someone Jesus would enjoy spending the afternoon with." Others have decided to get rid of old habits, such as smoking, overeating or drinking.

Be realistic. Work on one goal at a time and allow yourself time to reach it. Living is changing and growing. Help yourself change and grow in positive directions.

Let grief create. If you can write or paint or draw or compose, use your energy to express your feelings in creative ways. Your expression can help others to relate to your grief and can help other grievers relate to your hope.

Build your future. While the past is important, the present and future are more important. So do not live in the past. Do not let it keep you from taking new opportunities. Explore. Test new ground. Test it again and again. Then take your step. Explore, test. take another step. It is a slow process to rebuild after losing a loved one, but it is possible.

Helping Children Deal With Death

Children are sensitive to adult's feelings. They can sense when something is wrong. When children are close to either the deceased or the bereaved, our instinct may be to protect them from the hurt of the loss. This reaction is understandable, but it is not really best for the children.

If there is no explanation, a child may feel anxious about the uncertainties he senses. He might interpret the unusual atmosphere in a totally wrong or frightening way. Telling your child about the death of a loved one is important. This openness will help build his trust and security because he feels included.

The child's age will make a difference in how much he can understand and how much he is interested or concerned. When you talk with him, you should be sensitive to his interest level and ability to perceive. There is no perfect way. Explain in your own way about death.

Some have found comparisons helpful: to a broken toy which cannot be fixed or to a pet that has died. Some have simply explained that dead means "not breathing or moving ever again." A word of caution: children think very literally, so some comparisons may cause misconceptions or fears about death. These are some comparisons to avoid.

"Daddy is sleeping" -the child may fear going to sleep because he may never awaken. If you prefer the sleep comparison to others, you should explain how this sleep is different from normal sleep.

"God took Mommy" -the child may see God as a mean character who steals people.

"We lost Grandma" -but the child has found his lost toys before.

"Grandpa went away" -but people who go away usually come back.

Generally a child should not be told what he will have to unlearn later. And though belief in the hereafter is a comfort to you, this concept may only confuse a young child.

Children need to grieve, too. So it is appropriate and healthy to show your grief around your child. You are telling him it is okay to express feelings, whether anger, guilt, fear or tears. If your child sees people holding feelings inside, he will emulate and hold back his own grief feelings - a big burden for a small bearer. Support him in his expressions by understanding and accepting them.

While crying is good, play is also good therapy. Most children cannot handle long periods of grieving, so playing can get out some of the pentup energy and emotion. Do not be too surprised if misbehavior pops up. It may be that your child is expressing inner turmoil or is asking for attention. Discipline should not be neglected, but it should be applied with sensitivity.

Giving attention to your child's grief is important. Often children get pushed aside from the adult world of grief. If you can pull yourself together to spend time alone with your child to play or draw pictures or talk, you will help him express his hurt. You may need to assure him that he is not to blame for the death, that he will be given proper care (if the loss is a parent), that losing this loved one does not necessarily mean he will lose other important persons. This onetoone sharing will save him from the harsh loneliness of coping alone. If you cannot pull yourself together, let someone he is comfortable with know that he needs this special attention.

Resources

* The Answer Series books by Norman Wright address specific needs. Some of the titles are: Anger and Frustration, Depression, Loneliness, and Worry and Anxiety. These can be purchased from Christian Marriage Enrichment. CME also presents regional seminars dealing with these and other related topics. For more information, write or call Christian Marriage Enrichment, 1913 East 17th Street, Suite 118, Santa Ana, CA. Phone (714) 5423506.

At your local library:

The Encyclopedia of Associations lists most current self help organizations.
Local or regional Resource Directories will list any Grief Support Services in your area.
* The Compassionate Friends is a national organization for parents who have experienced the death of a child. You can locate the nearest chapter by writing or calling The Compassionate Friends, P. O. Box 1347, Oak Brook, Illinois 60521.

Bibliography

Collins, Gary R. Christian Counseling - A Comprehensive Guide. Waco, Texas: Word Books, 1980.
Grollman, Earl A. Living When a Loved One Has Died. Boston: Beacon Press, 1977.
Grollman, Earl A. Talking About Death, a Dialogue Between Parent and Child. Boston: Beacon Press, 1970.
Grollman, Earl A. What Helped Me When My Loved One Died. Boston: Beacon Press, 1981.
Jackson, Edgar N. Understanding Grief: Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1957.
Jackson, Edgar N. You and Your Grief New York: Channel Press, 1964.
Jenson, Amy Hillyard. Healing Grief Issaquah, WA: Medic Publishing Co., 1980.
Miles, Margaret S. The Grief of Parents When a Child Dies. Oak Brook, IL: The Compassionate Friends, 1978.
Parks, Colin Murray. Bereavement Studies of Grief in Adult Life. New York: International Universities Press, Inc., 1972.
Rose, A. C. Acquainted with Grief Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1972.
Schiff, Harriet Sarnoff. The Bereaved Parent. New York: Crown Publishers, Inc., 1977.
Sarapan, Hedda Bluestone. Talking with Young Children about Death. Pittsburgh: Family Communications, Inc., N.D.

Published and Distributed by
BIBLE ADVOCATE PRESS
-a Ministry of the
CHURCH OF GOD (Seventh Day)

The Bible Advocate Press grants the user permission only to download and print this document. If the user wishes to make multiple copies, permission must be granted by the Bible Advocate Press. Contact BibleAdvocate@cog7.org.

Can we help you with a question or concern? We invite you to contact us at Bible Advocate Press.