Loss

Dealing with Parental Estrangement Phenomenon — with the help of the heavenly Father.

by Kathy Pierson

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart (Psalm 34:18, NKJV).

How do you deal with the loss of a daughter? Especially when it isn’t from death, but rather from her choice to walk away? For two years, I have attempted to figure this out.

I was totally shocked when she texted to say she planned to leave her husband of ten years. My husband and I never saw that coming. Sure, they had a few minor problems, but who doesn’t?

Ending a marriage

How does someone end a marriage she once was so desperate for?

She stalked him online until he agreed to meet her, and eventually allowed her to move in. This man, who said he would never marry, but he did. This man, who said he didn’t want kids but gave her three beautiful children, whom he now loves more than life itself. This man who willingly went with her to see a counselor, but by then she had met someone else and was ready for a “new start.”

De-friending

And how does a person de-friend all those who have been there for her?

Everyone she posted pictures of and stated how important they were to her faith and her family. Those she bore her soul to and trusted with the secrets of her heart. How does she forget those who meant so much to her over the years?

Hurt and confusion

I was baffled and hurt when texts came accusing me of saying and doing things I hadn’t. There was no reasoning with her, no opportunity to explain. I repeatedly told her I loved her and asked her to forgive me, even for things I didn’t do. But she wouldn’t listen.

Trying to say all the right things didn’t work. Everything I said was wrong. Even meeting with her and her counselor didn’t help. The drift continued no matter how many times I asked what needed to be done to restore our relationship.

Final blow

And then the dreaded text came saying she was “done” with me. More scathing words with no opportunity to talk face-to-face. My daughter’s hate-filled remarks tore at my heart, bringing sobs I didn’t know I was capable of.

A small misunderstanding, and she was not only content to be “done” with me but also turned our granddaughter against me. It’s bad enough to lose a daughter, but the thought of losing my ten-year-old granddaughter, and possibly her two younger brothers, sent me in a downward spiral. I cried out to God to help me.

And now, she has walked away from her precious children as well. All she ever wanted to be was a mom, but she packed everything she owns and moved twelve hours away from them to live with a man she met online.

Unanswered questions

What could have caused my daughter to change so drastically? Was hormonal upheaval after bariatric surgery the culprit? At age forty-one, was she going through a mid-life crisis? It’s hard to know, since she hasn’t allowed me to see her for almost two years.

Has she forgotten everything I did for her? All the love I’ve poured into raising a child who had challenges from birth? I walked with her through ADHD, suspension from school, borderline personality disorder, stealing at work, bipolar mood swings, and refusal to take her medication. I never once considered abandoning her, yet she has so easily disowned me.

What heinous act have I done that would bring such harsh judgement? So many questions with no answers. And all this is compounded by how well we got along for several years before this happened. I guess she’s forgotten the many things I did with her and the grandchildren. The holidays and birthdays and vacations at the beach and cottage. Do they mean nothing to my daughter now?

Silent epidemic

I’ve sought counsel from those much wiser than I and been told I am not the only parent experiencing this. Abandonment by children has become so prevalent that it now has the psychological name of Parental Estrangement Phenomenon. This silent epidemic has wreaked havoc among one in four families.

There is little consolation in knowing I’m not alone. It appears the devil has a new tool to destroy families.

Prayer support

I have no control over what my daughter does, but I do have control over how I react. I pray and ask others to pray for us, especially on days I grieve over all the unfulfilled hopes, plans, and expectations.

Even then, I choose not to give in to despair.

Twilight Zone

I’m grateful her husband allows me to have regular contact with our three grandchildren. Things could be worse, but some days, I wonder how.

I question whether I have been a bad mother, and at times I question my sanity. How could our family have come to this? I often feel as though I’ve walked into an episode of the Twilight Zone and am unable to get out.

Faith and hope

How does one deal with the loss of a daughter? I really don’t know. But I am doing the best I can.

I keep faith in God’s ability to heal her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I continue to forgive her and hope our relationship will be restored in my lifetime. I try not to gauge my future happiness on my relationship with her or anyone else. But it’s hard.

I choose to believe that God isn’t done with my daughter and is working in her life, even though I see no evidence of it. I’ve attended a Christian grief and hope group to gain insight and help from others who are also grieving.

I try to take one day at a time. Most of all I cling to hope, because without it where would I be?

Kathy Pierson has published articles in Power for Living, Nature’s Friend, Women Riders Now, the Broken Moments anthology, Faith on Every Corner, and her local newspaper. She lives in Hendersonville, NC.