Finding freedom from an addiction to porn. by Lucy Mwelu
“You can always find what you are looking for on the Internet.”
I had always heard people say this but didn’t think much of it. When I needed the Internet to validate my sin, it was certainly there for me.
Harmless beginnings
I cannot trace back to when it started. Perhaps it was the casual nudity in popular TV shows in my teen days or the illicit films carelessly left behind in our house by older male friends. I wound up watching pornography from an early age.
It seemed harmless enough — a kind of preparation for when I was ready to indulge in the act of intimacy. As time passed, however, the harmless act teetered toward addiction. Some nights I was convinced I could not sleep without watching a suggestive video. Before I knew it, the act was accompanied by masturbation.
Spiritual conflict
I was raised in a Christian home. I went to church and attended recital practice during the week, but I didn’t have a personal relationship with Christ. Still, I knew I was doing something wrong — first, because teachers of the Word spoke about the sin of sexual gratification and, second, because a voice in my head told me not to do it.
I did it anyway, convinced that my need to type “XXX” on my phone and throw a duvet over my body was stronger than the power of the Holy Spirit. Afterward, my entire being would be filled with guilt. I would cry myself to sleep, telling myself I had no choice.
That same night I would open a box in the back of my brain and toss this event in it, forcing myself to forget the fact that I was defiling God’s temple.
Dealing with guilt
It is amazing what the Internet can do to chip away at someone’s guilt. The boxes of neatly tucked-away events became too many. As I matured, I paid more attention to sermons in church, and I increasingly struggled to forget what I’d done.
Imprisoned by my own fleshly desires, I began looking for a way to justify them. And I did.
Justifying sin
There are so many research articles on the benefits of masturbation and many on how to know you are a pornography addict.
Within no time, I was convinced I was normal. I was a young, healthy woman exploring my body and learning what works for me and what does not. Of course, this was an excuse to justify the sin of sexual immorality, as the Word clearly states: “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18).
Sadly, I convinced myself that I was not sinning but learning about my body. The more I indulged in the practice, the less I heard the voice saying that I was sinning. Soon, I became numb to the fact that I was masturbating and watching pornography.
A way out
The guilt came back; the voice did not.
After conversations with friends regarding the matter, it dawned on me that it was strange and wrong for me, a well-respected young lady in society, to be addicted to masturbation and pornography. But at this point, I had convinced myself that I could stop whenever I wanted.
I woke up one morning determined to stop. Internet research highlighted some ways I could do this: Replace bad habits with good ones. Indulge in healthy physical activities. Avoid being alone. Avoid being indoors. Join a support group. Get a therapist. Share your goal with someone who can act as your accountability partner.
Shame
I had no problem with activities that would help me break my bad habits, but I had a huge problem with recommendations that involved other people. Up to this point, I had never told a soul that I masturbated or watched porn.
Due to my shame, I did not involve anyone in my journey. How was I going to come out and say that I, a girl raised in a Christian home, was struggling with sexual immorality?
Victory and setbacks
For weeks I broke the cycle. I would do a little happy dance every day I went without watching porn and masturbating, and I recorded my progress on my calendar and in my journal. I felt free, powerful.
But it did not last. I broke my winning streak shortly after completing two months of not indulging my sexual desires. The five minutes of gratification crushed me. I cried ceaselessly, feeling powerless, shameful, and guilty. Was I doomed to stay in chains? Would I never enjoy sex with my partner one day without stimulation?
Sharing the secret
Struck with grief and loss, I reached out to a friend and told her about by “bad habit.” She listened.
While she did not judge me, my friend did not help me. She made a joke afterward, and we laughed. We never spoke of it again. I wondered if I had not been clear in my confession or if I had overwhelmed her.
I tried a friend of the opposite gender. He, too, listened and did not judge. He took the therapy route, talking about the activities I could engage in to fully break the cycle.
He sought to understand why I was doing it in the first place. Did I have triggers? Could I stay at a friend’s place? He was supportive, constantly checking in, asking questions around the topic. It helped to have an accountability partner.
Crying out to God
This, too, did not last. Soon I was engaging in the acts once a week and telling myself this was progress.
The Bible says that Jesus will leave the ninety-nine to go after the one. He did — for me.
One night, as my trembling finger hovered over the Search button, I cried out to God. I told Him to save me, to stop me from sinning.
Healthy changes
Weeks after this night, friends randomly visited me. A neighbor’s child would knock on my door.
I would search for gospel music instead of “XXX” on my devices. Some nights, when I did fall, I did not wallow in my shame and guilt. Instead, I prayed. I confessed my sin and asked for forgiveness and a change of heart.
Soon, without even knowing it, my mind focused on growing my relationship with Christ through the Word and prayer instead of constantly revolving around the fear of returning to my sin.
Spiritual support
I became a regular at my local church. I began attending Bible studies, reading the Word for myself, listening to sermons, and engaging in a community that genuinely loves Christ.
I came across these verses in Psalms that I took as my own: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (139:23, 24).
I learned that you can find everything you need to justify your sins on the Internet, but you can also find everything you need to remain pure in the Word. I finally found a Friend who can keep me from falling. If I do fall, He will pick me up and dust me off, removing what caused me to fall in the first place.
Faithful Lord
It has been a while since I fell into sin, but that doesn’t mean I’m not tempted to. Each time the desire strikes, I pray, calling on the One who redeems me from sin.
With His help and unconditional love, I will remain free.
Scripture quotations are taken from the New International Version.
Lucy Mwelu lives in Kenya and has published fiction stories in African Writer Magazine. This is her first published Christian piece. Her prayer is that it helps believers and non-believers struggling with addiction.