Jesus makes the difference in healing past hurts.
by Sue Laramore
As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror analyzing my new haircut, I could hear the voice of my mother bridging the decades: “Your hair has to cover your ears! Your ears look like cabbages. You can’t let those ears show!”
Then, for a moment, I tucked my hair behind my ears in a belated act of defiance. I wasn’t going to let my mother win. In truth, however, not for one haircut over the course of the following sixty-plus years have I neglected to tell the hairdresser, “Please leave some hair over my ears.”
Measuring self-worth
Over the years, checking the appearance of my “audial protrusions” became a type of barometer to determine where I stood in self-confidence, or lack thereof.
It wasn’t just about my ears. It was about my total worth in the eyes of my human parent rather than of my heavenly Parent. I never felt good enough. When I eventually came to know Jesus, I knew intellectually who I had become in Him. It was a battle when my heart didn’t feel it.
Controlling mother
The size and position of my ears were only two characteristics among many on my body, and in my spirit, that my mother considered her cross to bear.
As I grew, my choices in everything from what I liked to wear to people I liked to spend time with caused her great distress. One time, to avoid the stress of helping me get ready for prom, my mother invited friends to dinner.
With our history, I don’t know what I expected from her, but it surely wasn’t that. I can still feel the hurt I felt that night.
Dad’s intervention
Just before leaving for college, I went shopping for some new clothes. I came home and modeled a bright pink dress, which I thought was beautiful.
My mother’s first words were less than complimentary. “Oh, it’s so bright.”
My dad jumped in and said, “Yes, and it’s so short and has such a low neckline.” Of course, it did not. His sweet sarcasm was his way of sticking up for me. I loved Dad’s attempt to salvage my emotions, but his kindness didn’t erase my disappointment and anger.
Hurtful actions
I can’t remember even a handful of times when I sensed my mother was pleased with or approved of me. I regularly felt as if I were embarrassing to her or that she was ashamed of me.
One day when I was home from college, Mom invited an out-of-town friend to lunch and had me dress up like a French maid. The friend didn’t seem overly surprised at a maid answering the door. What took her by real surprise was that my mother had a daughter. Mom had never told this woman a thing about me.
That night, I cried myself to sleep. Why was my mother ashamed of me? What horrible thing had I done to elicit those feelings toward me, her only daughter?
Bible thoughts
Years later, I married my mother’s choice of husband. We had two children, and life went on— except that my mother still didn’t give me the approval I so longed for.
One day, I phoned a friend who told me that she was lying on her bed, reading her Bible. We talked a few minutes, but afterward I couldn’t stop thinking about her reading the Bible.
Visiting church
The next weekend, I went to my friend’s church. Over the years, I had occasionally attended churches in a seeking sort of way. My church background was in what I know now as a cult. But in my friend’s church, I heard more Bible and more about Jesus as Savior.
My mind whirled around all week. In my heart, I knew I had glimpsed the truth. I was looking for the peace I saw in my friend.
Meeting Jesus
At this time, I met Jesus!
With all my pain bottled up inside, I was ready for Him, and I see now that the Holy Spirit was ready for me. He wanted to teach me about forgiveness.
Convictions
After I gave my life to Jesus Christ, I became aware of my heart, my emotions, both the good and the not-at-all good. The Spirit convicted me of my need to follow Christ, despite how others behaved.
He taught me that my relationship with God revolved around my love for, and obedience to, Him, no matter what others did or didn’t do to me.
Conflicts
For years, I had carried too much guilt to even think about a real, trusting, loving relationship with my Creator. The old cult teachings fought inside me with my newfound truth, and I had to rid my mind and heart of a great deal of false teaching and junk.
With the help of the Holy Spirit and studying the Bible over the years, those mind tapes are all but gone. If they do reappear, I deal with them as Jesus dealt with the Enemy during His temptation: by quoting Scripture.
Deciding to forgive
In my church and in my Bible reading I learned that forgiveness isn’t once and done. It is a decision to obey Jesus, as long, as often, and as difficult as it might be.
I got plenty of practice. Sometimes after I hung up after talking to my mother on the phone, which used to make me angry or hurt, I chose to forgive even if I was still angry or hurt.
Softened heart
In preceding years, I saw my mother as tough and mostly unloving (toward me, not others), sickly, private, and disapproving. Gradually, the Holy Spirit softened my heart. Sometimes I could see her as needy and fearful — almost like a child.
Fear of my mother changed to pity. I still didn’t understand her or our past, but I was able, with the Spirit’s help, to move past the hurt to real forgiveness.
Troubled past
Sometime after my mother’s passing, her sister shared with me unthinkable stories about their childhoods. The stories shocked me.
I also see that the Holy Spirit used my aunt to help me understand my mother and the emotional leftovers from her childhood. Learning that she had been abused melted much of my resentment into mercy.
In my younger days, it never occurred to me that there might have been something miserable in my mother’s background — that she might be miserable. I question now whether her abuse was ever addressed, humanly or divinely. I’ll never know.
Jesus and forgiveness
I have learned that forgiveness isn’t some vague concept. It is an act of obedience and of the will. I read in Matthew 6:14, 15 that if I want Jesus to forgive me, I must forgive others.
Not always an easy task. But if God’s Word says we must forgive to be forgiven, it a serious requirement.
Furthermore, and perhaps selfishly, I felt better about myself and more at peace when I learned to forgive my mother. But I still wished for, hoped for, prayed for a more normal relationship with her.
Restoration
That didn’t happen, but I have reasoned that because of the storms in her life, my mother didn’t learn appropriate love.
As the years go by, God has graciously given me a gift. He has restored to my memory a few sweet but forgotten moments with my mother. At least partially because of that divine restoration, I actually miss my mother.
Finding freedom
Even though forgiving my mother didn’t change circumstances, it did change me. At this point, I can only hope that in some way it registered with her.
It took a long time for me to understand that God’s plan and desire for His children to be forgiving isn’t for Him, nor even for the one we forgive; it is for us. Not in our own power but in the power of His Spirit do we find true freedom.