The journey to personal and congregational healing.
by Anonymous
“Have you ever been married?” Esther* asked as she offered me more tea.
The middle-aged woman’s question stunned me. She and her husband had been attending our church for more than a year. They both sang in the choir I directed. An invitation to their home for dinner warmed my heart, since I wanted to get better acquainted with them. I assumed they knew that my ex-husband was the former senior pastor of the church.
Apparently, Esther and her husband, Jim, had no idea the church was recovering from the worst crisis in its history. As active members, they seemed to know a lot of people — people who didn’t gossip.
I sighed and began to tell them the story.
Growing church
When my former husband, Peter, became the pastor of Clideville Community Church, about fifty people made up the congregation. They accepted us with open arms, and our new flock quickly outgrew the building. Within a short time, the members voted to construct a larger sanctuary.
Watching individuals accept Christ and grow in their faith thrilled us, but the building project took up a great deal of Peter’s time and energy. Volunteers did most of the labor, and he often grabbed a hammer to help — a lot. I became a bit concerned that he might neglect his other pastoral duties.
Secret hurt
About three hundred people packed the new sanctuary for the dedication service. The choir and congregation sang hymns of praise. Special acknowledgement was given to all those who worked on the building.
Well, to almost everyone. No one mentioned how hard and diligent their pastor had labored. And no one knew except me how much that hurt him.
Personal decline
Things seemed to change after that. Peter came to believe the lie that no one appreciated him — not his congregation, not his wife, not even his children. In public he still appeared as a charismatic and loving pastor. But at home he often became angry and distant. I concluded he was having either a midlife crisis or pastoral burnout.
What I didn’t know was that Peter was having an emotional affair with an elder’s wife. I had my suspicions. Richard and Deborah seemed to do everything with us. We skied, fished, had hot dog roasts, and ate most lunches after church together. My observations and complaints were perceived as jealousy and selfishness.
Shattered world
Peter asked me for a divorce before he admitted it had anything to do with Deborah. When the truth finally surfaced and he resigned from the church, my world was shattered. I believed our church would fall to pieces as well.
It didn’t.
Healing process
For the sake of our teenagers, I decided to remain in the same town and church. This gave me an extra insight into how our hurting congregation began the healing process. Watching this painful and yet marvelous thing helped in my healing as well.
Forgiveness was huge. Peter had focused much of his ministry on helping his sheep love and forgive one another. Now they had to forgive him. Many of them struggled with this.
“I can forgive Peter for what he did to us,” one member told me, “but I can’t forgive him for what he did to you.” It took some time and lots of prayer regarding my personal issues with Peter, but I finally came to the point where I could respond to those kinds of comments: “If I can forgive Peter, so can you.”
Right priority
Very few left the church in the months following Peter’s resignation. There was no big church split. I truly believe that’s because the members were “rooted and grounded in love” (Ephesians 3:17, KJV). The majority of them were mature in their faith, meaning Jesus Christ got top priority, not their pastor. That truth soothed my hurting heart.
All of them knew what tremendous damage a church scandal does for the cause of Christ in a small community. For that reason, they prayed hard and refused to be part of the gossip around them. They were determined to carry on the mission of their church. I believe that’s why my new friends, Esther and Jim, had no idea what had happened.
Personal healing
The next pastor was chosen with great caution and much prayer. He certainly had his work cut out for him. He led the wounded sheep into the loving care of the Good Shepherd. He and his wife welcomed my children and me into their fold. That, too, did much for my personal healing.
It’s now been over thirty years since all that happened. I moved to another town when I remarried. The Lord kept His hand on our children. They all have successful jobs, and their marriages have blessed us with wonderful grandchildren.
Unforgiveness
But several years ago, the Holy Spirit reminded me that although I had forgiven Peter, I had not forgiven Deborah. Not only had she taken my husband from me, but she had done a huge number on my self-esteem.
About fifteen years had passed since the divorce, but Deborah and I had never met. She purposely did not attend our children’s high school graduations and our daughter’s wedding. I knew she planned to attend our two sons’ weddings that coming summer — and I dreaded seeing her.
Changed dynamics
But the Holy Spirit refused to give up. “OK, God,” I finally prayed. “You know I can’t forgive her myself, so if that’s what You want from me, I give You permission to do it for me.”
The miracle happened at the first wedding. When I met Deborah, I hugged her — and couldn’t believe it! I didn’t know that she had sent me an email, asking me to forgive her. That encounter changed the dynamics of our family. Peter and Deborah occasionally join us now for celebrations and family gatherings. I am praying the healing process will continue with our children, just as it did for our church.
Expanded work
I recently attended a funeral at the Clideville Community Church. I was pleased to learn that the new pastor has big plans to expand the building because of the growing congregation. Not only has the Good Shepherd kept the flock together, He is expanding it, thanks to the cooperation of all His forgiving — and forgetting — sheep!
My Shepherd is expanding His work in me as well, as long as I keep close to His side.
*Names of people and church have been changed.