How a woman with right priorities builds intimacy
with God before finding the right mate.
by Kristin Kuenzle
Why do so many girls immerse themselves in relationships with guys who are not who they really need or even want? How can a guy who normally would be such a spiritual turnoff suddenly become appealing? When do logic and rational thinking check out, and what could be strong enough to replace them?
Something is tugging at a girl’s heart to make decisions she knows are not in her best interest. What are these inner desires?
Every girl wants to be pursued. Whether we receive it from parents, friends, or a guy, we want to be seen as important. To be sought after is the peak of self-esteem and self-worth. We want to be cherished, loved, and adored above all others. We want to feel attractive. We want to know that we matter and that someone thinks more of us than they do of anyone else. More than anything, we long to be the main character in a beautiful love story.
Just like Song of Songs 7:10 suggests, “I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me,” we desire to be romanced. None of these desires are bad. In fact, God designed us to long for these very things. How wonderful for someone to want us so much. The problem arises when we seek out those who could not truly gratify these desires.
There are so many females who are struggling with their self-image, self-worth, and significance to others. Because we are so relational, we seek someone to make us feel important, whereas guys may find their worth in money or a job. Often times we allow ourselves to become distracted by doubt or ritualistic religion, and we lose sight of what our relationship with God is supposed to look like. Consequently, instead of turning back to Him, we open ourselves up to those relationships that are seemingly more romantic.
He comes along, cool, confident, and experienced. He wastes no time in making you feel beautiful, special, different from all the others. And you like it.
It’s nice to be so admired, but is it really what you need? Why does he praise you? Are his motives pure? Does he love you? You are sure to find out, and it is often in a painfully devastating way.
God assures us that the desires for love and importance do not have to go unfulfilled. He doesn’t just bury longings within our hearts and then leave us no godly way of fulfilling them. To understand His plan, God invites us into the pages of His Book. Isaiah 62:4,12 states it this way: “No longer will they call you Deserted. . . . They will be called the Holy People, the Redeemed of the LORD; and you will be called Sought After. . . .”
God rescues us from those who would take from us and offers us His hand. God doesn’t just want to be our Lord and Savior; He wants to be the lover of our soul. He wants to be intimately close to us, to care for us, to tell us we are beautiful because He designed us, and to show us that we matter as His cherished daughters. God pursues us like no other, continually waiting, seeking, and calling us back to His heart.
Brent Curtis and John Eldredge wrote The Sacred Romance, a book that dives into the tough issues of the heart and its longings. These authors aren’t afraid to be brutally open about our hearts and our desires for something more than we are getting from empty achievements or from disappointing people. They say there is a deeper craving that is often squelched or smothered with substitutes that leave us empty and cynical.
But take heart: There is a deeper romance, according to Curtis and Eldredge. Through the wild love of God, we will always be loved and pursued. He pours into our hearts all the deep satisfactions that others bypass. To know that we are desirable and sought after by God should leave us peaceful and content in His overwhelming love, searching nowhere else for fulfillment.
Choosing a guy
Understanding that God is our only source of complete love should cause us to securely attach our desires to Him. Why would we try to let anyone else meet those needs except the One who can and does so perfectly?
Still, sometimes our hearts stray, and our focus becomes clouded. What happens when what you know to be true in your head doesn’t carry enough weight to change your heart? Here is some application to put your theories and beliefs into action.
One major help is to surround yourself with godly people. True Christians will discourage you from entering into a relationship they know is bad for you and could lead you away from your relationship with God. Have friends who aren’t afraid to hurt or upset you. You probably won’t always want to hear it, but then, truth doesn’t always make us feel great.
Second, don’t forget the standards you have established. Most girls create a “list” for the ideal guy. Perhaps it seems silly or childish, but it can benefit you down the road. Don’t just list external factors (tall with brown eyes), but delve into the deeper issues. For example, how do you view finances, responsibilities, church affiliation, family ties? Write down everything that is important to you. Then if you feel comfortable, share the list with a friend you trust. Let her keep you to it.
Finally, remember to maintain your love story with God. Every day, every hour, seek Him and let Him envelope you with His selfless, unchanging love. Fulfilling your desire in Him will make the substitutes look less and less appealing. The closer you are to God, the harder it will be to wedge anyone else in.
“The one who loves flies, runs, and is glad; he is free and not bound. He gives all for all, and he has all in all, because he rests in one who is supreme above all things, from whom every good thing flows and goes forth.”
— Thomas a Kempis
Scripture quotations were taken from the New International Version.
About the Author
Kristin Kuenzle is a recent graduate from College of the Ozarks with a degree in English/Rhetoric. In addition to writing for college publications, she received an award from the Ozark Writers’ League for flash fiction. Kristin lives in Galena, MO.